12 February 2013
Mardi Gras.
I am sincerely horrible at finishing things I start.
For instance, I have about 18 blog pages that belong to me.
I have like 6 blog posts over the past 5 years.
Overachiever.
I’ve read half of Jordan Rubins’ ‘Makers Diet’ and even less of Jen Hatmakers’ ‘7’.
I am one of fantastic intentions and at best sub par follow through.
I don’t think it’s the projects themselves that I don’t want to finish. It’s the number of them, or, moreso, the new exciting one I find and get insanely passionate about the 3 days into the start of my last one, requiring 100% of me and a complete life change, and of course, the need to drop the last project.
One thing I don’t have a problem with, is celebrating. Rewarding. Parties. Congratulations. It doesn’t have to be me. It can be anyone. I just like celebrating, and can justify just about anything in my head as a means to celebrate and a reason to reward. I’ll celebrate you, I’ll celebrate me, I’ll celebrate a day, or event, or the weather. I do it with food. I do it with coffee. I do it with shopping. I do it with time. I do it with anything.
Today, Mardi Gras. And I did it big. Okay, big for me. Went to white lion with Beth
…ordered it all. Fish & Chips, More PG Tips than anyone needs in one sitting, and French Silk Pie. But not just French Silk Pie, the whole gambit. If you knew the budget I’m on, then I just went to the Four Seasons.
I explained to the waiter with false hair and confusing eyes that this was my Mardi Gras celebration, and tomorrow I would bid farewell to refined sugar, social media, and anything else that makes me feel guilty for 40 days. He then brought me 2 slices that were “connected”… And in that moment, he understood me. I think. Champ.
I am a self-admitted extremist, and want one thing: Balance. And I’ll fight like hell for it. I’ve willingly given myself to the rulings of Dave Ramsey ( and Jesus. Not sure in which order) in finance..and slowly but surely, it’s uncrossing my wires & I’m learning discipline…how to deny the ‘’wants’’ that take over the psyche-phere and become projected needs. I made that word up.
So I decided to use Lent. That’s right, use it. Judge me all you want, but a lot of times there are things I won’t change without some spiritual motivation. Sugar is one of them. Call it the fear of the Lord, but if I’m “fasting” something, I won’t touch it. And that, I have found is the only way for me. I know, I know, blah blah, I don’t get my spiritual reward now because it’s public..blah blah. That’s fine. I’m not doing this for a spiritual reward, I’m doing this to give up sugar. I know- worst motivation for fasting… But, it’s what I’m doing, and the fear of the Lord is the only thing to make me keep my word in this area, so it’s a match for me.
I’m going to blog every day for 40 days. I probably wont though, but this is day 1, and today, it sounds good. I’m not going to delve into the depths of my heart, and bring you on a spiritual journey. Well, I will, but I’m not about to share that. It’s not your business, and that stuff is Fort Knox.
There are few things I hate more than being patronized by someone else’s journey, to be presumed upon by someone elses writings. It frustrates me. So I won’t do it to you. I hope.
I’m not instructing, I’m sharing. I’m not sharing this to entertain you. I’m sharing this to make me write and get outside of my head. Read or don’t read… I’m still going to write. Or attempt.
Let’s do this, Lent
08 May 2011
28 August 2010
You bless him....
I've always been a fan of thematic worship services.
Ok, well, in a slightly sarcastic way. I enjoy them as much by using the worship songs to predict the offertory, to predict the sermon, to predict the altar call. ( i've been in the church way too long.)
I enjoy them the way a financial investor enjoys predicting the stock market... and enjoy the same satisfaction ( minus the money part) as when they get it right.
Thus, I will carry on with my last blog, in attempt to be thematic, to give you a song to listen to that somehow works with the theme of this blog... it works like this: press play on the video and then scroll and read. All I need to add are flashing lights & a pastor with a crisp white on black embroidered shirt w/ alligator shoes, and you'd have yourself a charismatic church service.
A lot of days I work out of coffee shops. there's 3 favorites with in a 1 mile radius..and for the sake of barring monotony- i rotate them. And A week ago, I started noticing someone.
A man about 60 - wearing a fisherman's vest and navy pants. Suffering from parkinson's disease.
He shakes- all the time. His hands can barely grasp the door to the shop. He comes in. Sits in a corner for about 20 minutes before meekly ordering an iced tea.
I saw him, watched, and prayed under my breath : " Lord bless that man, today"
Next day, at the next coffee shop, saw him again. repeat scenario. repeat prayer.
this time, my heart was engaged. I felt the depth of compassion and a hopelessness that I couldn't do anything for this man.
Day after THAT. 3rd coffee shop. Same man. Same scenario. Same prayer, but this time, an answer.
As best I know, I heard the Lord.
" You bless him", He said.
I stopped. paralyzed watching the man in his typical routine. The rest of the coffee shop couldn't be bothered to notice this man. My heart was beating out of my chest. " Okay, I said, the next time I see him, I will bless him. But How? "
Busted. Perfect op to talk to him, ask him how his day is, buy his tea- SOMETHING. Something- that I didn't do.
He left, I thought I was off the hook. When I left He was sitting on a chair outside of the shop. And again, the heart racing to match his shaking hands. What did I do? I ignored him again.
Busted again.
The rest of the day I argued with myself- that me " blessing him" wouldn't really do anything. I mean, What could I do?
But that me praying " Lord, Bless that man" - was it a selfish prayer to make me " feel good" about my Christianity?
Was it that I want to be the saint that says " Oh, yes, I will pray for you, be warm, be filled " And then walk away with my only priority that my needs are met?
In that moment, my entire walk with the Lord was challenged.
Am I really loving? Do I really love the Lord? I sure say I do.
But my actions are far from living it sometimes.
Man, do I get proud & revel in the "good deeds" or " acts of character" that I tend to showcase when more people are watching than when they don't... Wonder if all that is cancelled out when I then use those as a comparative scale as to why my Christianity is better than yours.
Let's be honest, sometimes I think I'm a badass for the kingdom.
It's just not true.
So, enough. Enough of Christianity to make me look good. Enough of Christianity to validate me.
It's not our job to be the savior. And me thinking that an " action" can save someone is a bit audacious...
We lift up the name of the Lord, He draws men to his side.
I say it all the time, in front of lots of folks.
But that doesn't mean that I'm out of the equation.
Where's the balance? Between living out our faith and living LOVE- through action and genuine belief?
Where's the balance in being a social justice nazi and wearing all the gear and ranting on twitter about
critical issues that we pretend to care about to self-validate?
And then there's the idea of genuinely being a servant of the most High. I choose that one.
I'm not sure how to do it right. I'm not sure how to do it in balance. But I'm open to learning.
I won't spend the next three paragraphs telling you how to be a fruitful and faithful epic Christian.
I will revert to my " theme-friendly" song. and say that I think the answer is in it.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
I think THAT's where we loose the petty. the gossip, the lies, the inability to love, the self-validating ambition.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Done.
I can't guarantee that the next time I see Fisherman vest guy that I won't chicken out and stay silent.
But I don't know that I won't.
Lord, bless that man. and Help me to also.
Ok, well, in a slightly sarcastic way. I enjoy them as much by using the worship songs to predict the offertory, to predict the sermon, to predict the altar call. ( i've been in the church way too long.)
I enjoy them the way a financial investor enjoys predicting the stock market... and enjoy the same satisfaction ( minus the money part) as when they get it right.
Thus, I will carry on with my last blog, in attempt to be thematic, to give you a song to listen to that somehow works with the theme of this blog... it works like this: press play on the video and then scroll and read. All I need to add are flashing lights & a pastor with a crisp white on black embroidered shirt w/ alligator shoes, and you'd have yourself a charismatic church service.
A lot of days I work out of coffee shops. there's 3 favorites with in a 1 mile radius..and for the sake of barring monotony- i rotate them. And A week ago, I started noticing someone.
A man about 60 - wearing a fisherman's vest and navy pants. Suffering from parkinson's disease.
He shakes- all the time. His hands can barely grasp the door to the shop. He comes in. Sits in a corner for about 20 minutes before meekly ordering an iced tea.
I saw him, watched, and prayed under my breath : " Lord bless that man, today"
Next day, at the next coffee shop, saw him again. repeat scenario. repeat prayer.
this time, my heart was engaged. I felt the depth of compassion and a hopelessness that I couldn't do anything for this man.
Day after THAT. 3rd coffee shop. Same man. Same scenario. Same prayer, but this time, an answer.
As best I know, I heard the Lord.
" You bless him", He said.
I stopped. paralyzed watching the man in his typical routine. The rest of the coffee shop couldn't be bothered to notice this man. My heart was beating out of my chest. " Okay, I said, the next time I see him, I will bless him. But How? "
Busted. Perfect op to talk to him, ask him how his day is, buy his tea- SOMETHING. Something- that I didn't do.
He left, I thought I was off the hook. When I left He was sitting on a chair outside of the shop. And again, the heart racing to match his shaking hands. What did I do? I ignored him again.
Busted again.
The rest of the day I argued with myself- that me " blessing him" wouldn't really do anything. I mean, What could I do?
But that me praying " Lord, Bless that man" - was it a selfish prayer to make me " feel good" about my Christianity?
Was it that I want to be the saint that says " Oh, yes, I will pray for you, be warm, be filled " And then walk away with my only priority that my needs are met?
In that moment, my entire walk with the Lord was challenged.
Am I really loving? Do I really love the Lord? I sure say I do.
But my actions are far from living it sometimes.
Man, do I get proud & revel in the "good deeds" or " acts of character" that I tend to showcase when more people are watching than when they don't... Wonder if all that is cancelled out when I then use those as a comparative scale as to why my Christianity is better than yours.
Let's be honest, sometimes I think I'm a badass for the kingdom.
It's just not true.
So, enough. Enough of Christianity to make me look good. Enough of Christianity to validate me.
It's not our job to be the savior. And me thinking that an " action" can save someone is a bit audacious...
We lift up the name of the Lord, He draws men to his side.
I say it all the time, in front of lots of folks.
But that doesn't mean that I'm out of the equation.
Where's the balance? Between living out our faith and living LOVE- through action and genuine belief?
Where's the balance in being a social justice nazi and wearing all the gear and ranting on twitter about
critical issues that we pretend to care about to self-validate?
And then there's the idea of genuinely being a servant of the most High. I choose that one.
I'm not sure how to do it right. I'm not sure how to do it in balance. But I'm open to learning.
I won't spend the next three paragraphs telling you how to be a fruitful and faithful epic Christian.
I will revert to my " theme-friendly" song. and say that I think the answer is in it.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
I think THAT's where we loose the petty. the gossip, the lies, the inability to love, the self-validating ambition.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Done.
I can't guarantee that the next time I see Fisherman vest guy that I won't chicken out and stay silent.
But I don't know that I won't.
Lord, bless that man. and Help me to also.
09 August 2010
Letting Go...
Before getting too far into this...have a listen to the song on repeat in my head....
This will be a bit of a difficult post...one that I've wanted to write for a while... But didn't want to write from a place that I wasn't at but knew I should be....and although I'm probably not fully there... there go I.
In talking with people, I've been blown away by their support and kindness and genuine interest in this new endeavor...
But in the back of my head there's a genuine fear that their expectations will be far less than met with the glory and splendor and romantic ideals that starting a busisness of this nature can sometimes entail.
Truth is, this is a difficult road. Dificult with hope dispersed in-between. Not quite sure if one has been more present than the other, or if they're intrinsically a symbiotic relationship that I have yet to master.
Difficult for many reasons, not sparing those that I have brought upon myself.
Hopeful for many reasons, not sparing the ones that I had nothing to do with.
I loved my last job. No, I adored my last job. So much so that it's been very hard to let it go.
Loved the people. Loved the community. Loved the wisdom I gained from older leaders, and then tried, shabbily, to pass to students. Loved that we embarked on uncharted territory and " What if no one told you no" was a theme for students & what we could do..Loved the moments, both wonderful and heartbreaking, and look back with fondness on the creativity we engaged. .. I learned much about the King and His Kingdom, and Love and Truth, and walking through difficult circumstances.
I learned. I learn. I am learning.
I deeply searched my heart & am trying to process with care- and trying, very intentionally to look honestly at the successes, failures, and indifferences that defined me (idolitarily) for 4 years.
I also learned that I quite easily romanticize my thoughts- be it positively or negatively.
Having one of those" romantic" thoughts and nearing to tears I walked on the campus of ORU yesterday, if for no other reason to get it out of my head & heart & look in the face of what I " missed" ... or thought I "missed" ... with full intent of staring failure in the face and taking it by the head to move it out of my way. . just, just to keep going.. one shaky footstep after another.
Bear in mind I haven't been on campus in about 2 months...the longest break I've had in 8 years. Count them...8 years...
and the break has been welcomed and beyond needed... But when I set foot... I realised.
Yes, I miss the students.
and I cherish some UNBELIEVABLE memories & victories and lessons learned, experiences of GRACE beyond what I deserved... and correction that has taught me well...
But there was a new feeling... one of freedom without bitterness... a re-emergence of sorts... and I felt for the first time, That I let it go. . . I could easily ramble on about every little emotion that ran throughout the course of my head and heart over the last 7 months...but I will spare you all of that... to give you my conclusion...
... I am grateful beyond words.. the Lord taught me more than I realized I could learn in such a short time... .and it was an honor to serve there... just, and simply, an honor.
and that was it. one simple word to sum up a time of rises and falls, heights and valleys... and a really great album that i'm still proud of... ( speaking only of until the whole world knows..the others, well...those were special.)
and now... having let go... for the first time... let me share with you what remains out of a grateful heart....
hoping that it won't take you as long to learn these as it did me...
things i've learned at ORU....
1. you are not your title
2. if you live in the praises of man, you will die in their criticism
3. if you aim to please men, you will ( no doubt) develop an anxiety disorder
4. don't drink morning coffee without food on mornings you have important meetings.
5. if you cannot correct someone for their benefit and out of a heart of love, you have no business correcting them.
6. If you put anything... ANYTHING above the Lord, it will fail ( and so will you)
7. real success is found in delighting the heart of the father. oftentimes this will piss people off.
8. when you piss people off because you're following the lord, keep a pure heart. getting haughty, will make the whole thing go very, very sour.
9. listen not to the words of man that are vicious , but respect them anyways ( the people, not their words)
10. submit to authority. all of it. even if you don't like it. submit & respect the Lord... it's him who delivers you.
11. you are not a victim. ever. don't act like one.
12. respond, do not react.
13. you will burn out if you feel obligated to give & love
14. you will not burn out if you set up great boundaries and give & love out of God.
15. it takes God to love God. It takes loving God to really love anyone.
16. the way you handle those you lead who look have the least to offer will determine your leadership ability and capacity.
17. the truth is always the way to go. its really hard to live up to the lies you create.
18. repeat number 17 about 30 times.
19. fear of man is utterly futile
20. that being said, don't watch braveheart right before you go into a meeting about trivial things. you are not william wallace, and you really are not fighting for the freedom of a country and it's people.
21. THAT being said, never take lightly standing up for someone.
22. character should ALWAYS be given precedence above talent.
23. 22 will get you looked down upon.
24. have I mentioned submit to your authority? because if you don't, you'll get angry, and tht will turn into bitterness, and that will turn into bondage, which will ultimately lead to the enemy having full control of your life.
25. do not ever be ashamed of the people you lead.
26. people ( regardless of their age and education level) know when you're lying. even if they don't let you know, they know.
27. pride is just ugly.
28. all insecurity is rooted in pride.
29. if you really want to help people, deal with the root issue, don't just punish the fruit of it.
30. understanding the heart is far more important than living by the law... but know that out of the heart comes the breaking of the law.
31. listen to everything Clarence Boyd has to say.
32. no amount of money is worth not telling the truth ( revert to the lawsuit of 2007)
33. alot of money tends to come once you've told the truth ( revert to the great Mart Green Bailout.)
34. leading out of manipulation is the quickest way to really hurt people.
35. servant leadership is not serving the leaders until you have served long enough to become a leader. it's maintaining a servant heart in your leadership. ( look up Greg Mortenson and read His story)
36. all arrows should point to Jesus.
37. it is assanine to try and become a " household name" in worship. only Jesus should be that.
38. forgive always. even when you're right. because you're probably not. and even if you are, you're not right in unforgiveness.
39. gossip is befitting of no one. and can REALLY hurt the people you lead.
40. your approval can legitimately come from no one but the Lord. and until you realize that and receive it, you'll have that nagging, aching void.
41. the fact that you keep waking up in the middle of the night with night terrors and not being able to breathe is a blatant attack of the enemy. sleeping pills wont help.
42. don't wear a skirt above knee-length if you're standing on a stage. there is no exception for this. ever.
43. pretend humility is a slap in the face, to those you lead, and to humility.
44. don't buy coffee for everyone in your office because you like buying coffee. they get used to it, and you don't realize how much your spending.
45. always take on more than you think you can handle.
46. be realistic about how much you can actually handle
47. " NO " is the most important word in leadership. say it upfront and honestly. it sucks way worse to say it after you've said " yes" knowing that you will have to go back and change it.
48. seek the Lord first. always first. I really wish I had learned this one a long time ago.
49. sometimes, you just gotta go with your gut. this will lead to getting in trouble. apologize, and know if you have a good leader, they will encourage your bravery. ( maybe...)
50. tell the truth. just. tell. the . truth.
:) Bless you.
:LC
This will be a bit of a difficult post...one that I've wanted to write for a while... But didn't want to write from a place that I wasn't at but knew I should be....and although I'm probably not fully there... there go I.
In talking with people, I've been blown away by their support and kindness and genuine interest in this new endeavor...
But in the back of my head there's a genuine fear that their expectations will be far less than met with the glory and splendor and romantic ideals that starting a busisness of this nature can sometimes entail.
Truth is, this is a difficult road. Dificult with hope dispersed in-between. Not quite sure if one has been more present than the other, or if they're intrinsically a symbiotic relationship that I have yet to master.
Difficult for many reasons, not sparing those that I have brought upon myself.
Hopeful for many reasons, not sparing the ones that I had nothing to do with.
I loved my last job. No, I adored my last job. So much so that it's been very hard to let it go.
Loved the people. Loved the community. Loved the wisdom I gained from older leaders, and then tried, shabbily, to pass to students. Loved that we embarked on uncharted territory and " What if no one told you no" was a theme for students & what we could do..Loved the moments, both wonderful and heartbreaking, and look back with fondness on the creativity we engaged. .. I learned much about the King and His Kingdom, and Love and Truth, and walking through difficult circumstances.
I learned. I learn. I am learning.
I deeply searched my heart & am trying to process with care- and trying, very intentionally to look honestly at the successes, failures, and indifferences that defined me (idolitarily) for 4 years.
I also learned that I quite easily romanticize my thoughts- be it positively or negatively.
Having one of those" romantic" thoughts and nearing to tears I walked on the campus of ORU yesterday, if for no other reason to get it out of my head & heart & look in the face of what I " missed" ... or thought I "missed" ... with full intent of staring failure in the face and taking it by the head to move it out of my way. . just, just to keep going.. one shaky footstep after another.
Bear in mind I haven't been on campus in about 2 months...the longest break I've had in 8 years. Count them...8 years...
and the break has been welcomed and beyond needed... But when I set foot... I realised.
Yes, I miss the students.
and I cherish some UNBELIEVABLE memories & victories and lessons learned, experiences of GRACE beyond what I deserved... and correction that has taught me well...
But there was a new feeling... one of freedom without bitterness... a re-emergence of sorts... and I felt for the first time, That I let it go. . . I could easily ramble on about every little emotion that ran throughout the course of my head and heart over the last 7 months...but I will spare you all of that... to give you my conclusion...
... I am grateful beyond words.. the Lord taught me more than I realized I could learn in such a short time... .and it was an honor to serve there... just, and simply, an honor.
and that was it. one simple word to sum up a time of rises and falls, heights and valleys... and a really great album that i'm still proud of... ( speaking only of until the whole world knows..the others, well...those were special.)
and now... having let go... for the first time... let me share with you what remains out of a grateful heart....
hoping that it won't take you as long to learn these as it did me...
things i've learned at ORU....
1. you are not your title
2. if you live in the praises of man, you will die in their criticism
3. if you aim to please men, you will ( no doubt) develop an anxiety disorder
4. don't drink morning coffee without food on mornings you have important meetings.
5. if you cannot correct someone for their benefit and out of a heart of love, you have no business correcting them.
6. If you put anything... ANYTHING above the Lord, it will fail ( and so will you)
7. real success is found in delighting the heart of the father. oftentimes this will piss people off.
8. when you piss people off because you're following the lord, keep a pure heart. getting haughty, will make the whole thing go very, very sour.
9. listen not to the words of man that are vicious , but respect them anyways ( the people, not their words)
10. submit to authority. all of it. even if you don't like it. submit & respect the Lord... it's him who delivers you.
11. you are not a victim. ever. don't act like one.
12. respond, do not react.
13. you will burn out if you feel obligated to give & love
14. you will not burn out if you set up great boundaries and give & love out of God.
15. it takes God to love God. It takes loving God to really love anyone.
16. the way you handle those you lead who look have the least to offer will determine your leadership ability and capacity.
17. the truth is always the way to go. its really hard to live up to the lies you create.
18. repeat number 17 about 30 times.
19. fear of man is utterly futile
20. that being said, don't watch braveheart right before you go into a meeting about trivial things. you are not william wallace, and you really are not fighting for the freedom of a country and it's people.
21. THAT being said, never take lightly standing up for someone.
22. character should ALWAYS be given precedence above talent.
23. 22 will get you looked down upon.
24. have I mentioned submit to your authority? because if you don't, you'll get angry, and tht will turn into bitterness, and that will turn into bondage, which will ultimately lead to the enemy having full control of your life.
25. do not ever be ashamed of the people you lead.
26. people ( regardless of their age and education level) know when you're lying. even if they don't let you know, they know.
27. pride is just ugly.
28. all insecurity is rooted in pride.
29. if you really want to help people, deal with the root issue, don't just punish the fruit of it.
30. understanding the heart is far more important than living by the law... but know that out of the heart comes the breaking of the law.
31. listen to everything Clarence Boyd has to say.
32. no amount of money is worth not telling the truth ( revert to the lawsuit of 2007)
33. alot of money tends to come once you've told the truth ( revert to the great Mart Green Bailout.)
34. leading out of manipulation is the quickest way to really hurt people.
35. servant leadership is not serving the leaders until you have served long enough to become a leader. it's maintaining a servant heart in your leadership. ( look up Greg Mortenson and read His story)
36. all arrows should point to Jesus.
37. it is assanine to try and become a " household name" in worship. only Jesus should be that.
38. forgive always. even when you're right. because you're probably not. and even if you are, you're not right in unforgiveness.
39. gossip is befitting of no one. and can REALLY hurt the people you lead.
40. your approval can legitimately come from no one but the Lord. and until you realize that and receive it, you'll have that nagging, aching void.
41. the fact that you keep waking up in the middle of the night with night terrors and not being able to breathe is a blatant attack of the enemy. sleeping pills wont help.
42. don't wear a skirt above knee-length if you're standing on a stage. there is no exception for this. ever.
43. pretend humility is a slap in the face, to those you lead, and to humility.
44. don't buy coffee for everyone in your office because you like buying coffee. they get used to it, and you don't realize how much your spending.
45. always take on more than you think you can handle.
46. be realistic about how much you can actually handle
47. " NO " is the most important word in leadership. say it upfront and honestly. it sucks way worse to say it after you've said " yes" knowing that you will have to go back and change it.
48. seek the Lord first. always first. I really wish I had learned this one a long time ago.
49. sometimes, you just gotta go with your gut. this will lead to getting in trouble. apologize, and know if you have a good leader, they will encourage your bravery. ( maybe...)
50. tell the truth. just. tell. the . truth.
:) Bless you.
:LC
21 July 2010
This isn't quite the beginning...
I have been thinking all day, with nervous excitement, ’ ok, here we go.’
I’m not sure what it is about today that feels like the ” beginning” , but it’s false.
The truth is, we’ve been going for quite some time….but I’ll come back to that thought.
I sit here, at current in a coffee shop in tulsa pondering the next few weeks ahead… Meetings with wonderful organizations who are doing wonderful things in the hardest parts of the globe- my whole purpose being to learn, to soak up every ounce of knowledge and passion from them that is possible in our short sit-down time. Realizing how out of my league they are- I can’t wait to pummel them with my questions. ( all motive of being graceful and charming out the door, no need to impress, these people have things that I want to KNOW!)
I feel the weight tonight of going before a group of potential-donors next week in a high rise in Manhattan. I am not confident in what I am going to present. This will be my first presentation of its kind. I am by no means confident in eloquence or persuasion- I am only confident in knowing He who sent me… knowing that the God of Hope is not too far to save and move- in any situation..and we’re just along for the ride. He said go, and go we will.
I keep thinking of the scripture where Jesus tells his disciples to not worry about what to say when they are brought before the authorities- for they will be given the words to say when they need them- I fully understand this, in its context, regards persecution on behalf of the Savior, not a company that is looking to fund deserving humanitarian efforts- But I just can’t get away from it. He’ll speak.. He always does.
Back to the thought from earlier ( as everyone who knows me laughs because I can’t remember the last time I started & finished a thought in the same stream of consciousness…) - You know that saying, ” do it scared”- I would like to add to that, ” do it alone” , ” do it uneducated” , ” do it under-prepared’ , ” do it under-qualified” , just… DO it. ( probably need to credit Nike for that one. ) whatever it happens to be….
Paul said he was the chiefest of sinners.I am the chiefest of heel-draggers of entrepreneurs. I am ill-fit to carry on in the business world… and I think that may be why I’m here. For I will never be able to boast in accomplishments. In intellect or stature. For only by the Grace of God are any of us able to take a step towards his Kingdom.And only by His kindness are we “able” to do anything. But I say that to say- this isn’t the beginning. This is an arrival. An arrival that, if stopped at, would be disobedience- but an arrival to note, nod, learn, and keep going. One foot ( unsure footing as it may be) at a time. I have a dear friend who says she ” follows her feet” - they have taken her to amazing places.. I hope to be as bold as she in her steadfast obedience to the Lord.
So… to all of us. in whatever we have at our hand to do, our biggest dreams and our smallest longings… to those of us, the scared, the unsure, the insecure, the arrogant, the fallen… By His Grace & to His glory… let’s have a go. until the whole world knows. LC
I’m not sure what it is about today that feels like the ” beginning” , but it’s false.
The truth is, we’ve been going for quite some time….but I’ll come back to that thought.
I sit here, at current in a coffee shop in tulsa pondering the next few weeks ahead… Meetings with wonderful organizations who are doing wonderful things in the hardest parts of the globe- my whole purpose being to learn, to soak up every ounce of knowledge and passion from them that is possible in our short sit-down time. Realizing how out of my league they are- I can’t wait to pummel them with my questions. ( all motive of being graceful and charming out the door, no need to impress, these people have things that I want to KNOW!)
I feel the weight tonight of going before a group of potential-donors next week in a high rise in Manhattan. I am not confident in what I am going to present. This will be my first presentation of its kind. I am by no means confident in eloquence or persuasion- I am only confident in knowing He who sent me… knowing that the God of Hope is not too far to save and move- in any situation..and we’re just along for the ride. He said go, and go we will.
I keep thinking of the scripture where Jesus tells his disciples to not worry about what to say when they are brought before the authorities- for they will be given the words to say when they need them- I fully understand this, in its context, regards persecution on behalf of the Savior, not a company that is looking to fund deserving humanitarian efforts- But I just can’t get away from it. He’ll speak.. He always does.
Back to the thought from earlier ( as everyone who knows me laughs because I can’t remember the last time I started & finished a thought in the same stream of consciousness…) - You know that saying, ” do it scared”- I would like to add to that, ” do it alone” , ” do it uneducated” , ” do it under-prepared’ , ” do it under-qualified” , just… DO it. ( probably need to credit Nike for that one. ) whatever it happens to be….
Paul said he was the chiefest of sinners.I am the chiefest of heel-draggers of entrepreneurs. I am ill-fit to carry on in the business world… and I think that may be why I’m here. For I will never be able to boast in accomplishments. In intellect or stature. For only by the Grace of God are any of us able to take a step towards his Kingdom.And only by His kindness are we “able” to do anything. But I say that to say- this isn’t the beginning. This is an arrival. An arrival that, if stopped at, would be disobedience- but an arrival to note, nod, learn, and keep going. One foot ( unsure footing as it may be) at a time. I have a dear friend who says she ” follows her feet” - they have taken her to amazing places.. I hope to be as bold as she in her steadfast obedience to the Lord.
So… to all of us. in whatever we have at our hand to do, our biggest dreams and our smallest longings… to those of us, the scared, the unsure, the insecure, the arrogant, the fallen… By His Grace & to His glory… let’s have a go. until the whole world knows. LC
20 July 2010
Confessions of a Worship Leader...
Confessions of a Worship Leader: a bit of my story.
To my friends, the ones I actually know, have never met, and my mother who will inevitably read this…
I ask you to bear with me, because I need to share some things…
I should most definitely be asleep right now. In 7 hours, I will be on my way with the team to lead worship at a Southern Baptist Church in another city. Well, I think It’s still southern baptist, last time I was there it was. All I know is that we have to dress up, and the sun is rising sooner than I would like it to.
I’ve been thinking a lot about worship over the last 2 months. A lot about Kingdom. A lot about Jesus.
I don’t write this as a positioning piece, nor do I pen as a 95 thesis type of declaration. I’m going to blog a bit… and in so doing, hope to level with the truth… and end up on the side of the Lord…
I merely write because the idea of Kingdom burns so deep within me that I can’t not write. I have recently been asked a lot of questions about worship and my thoughts and beliefs..and, not that my position means any more in the kingdom than the beggar in Malawi, I humbly submit to you my story….
When I was a freshman in college, I got cut from a Music Ministries audition. I was crushed. In my extremely small self enveloped expanse of worldview, my life was over. I was hurt, I was angry…and I wanted answers. That ( as small as it might sound) started the most amazing journey. I remember when I sat on the stage of Christ Chapel at 18 and wept and asked the Lord to show me himself, because I realized the weight of the self-worship and idolatry I had engaged in in the name of ” contemporary worship”. I said the name Darlene more times than I said the name of Jesus, and I had entirely too many long coats and high heels in my closet and a perfected Australian accent to boot. ( insert as many jokes here as you would like about how many hillsong songs we do in chapel…go ahead…)
And I remember the day that my journal read the following:
“Ah, so this is what humbled feels like. Weird, I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this, and that might be a really bad thing. I don’t care if I ever set foot on that stage again. I wouldn’t dream of trading in knowing You for standing on a stage. I want to know You. I want to fear you, and truly understand repentance and grace”
and I meant it.
With all the will and fear of the Lord that I could muster. I meant it.
And He meant it when He said
: Love the Lord Your God with all your heart mind soul and strength”
He also meant it when he said
: Thou shalt have no other gods before me”
And the two thoughts were perspectives to connect…
And so i sought. And I found.
Jesus.
Except, it wasn’t Jesus Christ Super-star that I found. He didn’t have a tour bus, or a record lable. He wasn’t sitting on the front row of the GMA’s. And he didn’t feel proud of himself when more hands in the building were raised than not during a power bridge of a song.
It was Isaiah 53 Jesus that I found.
( message version )
” There was nothing attractive about him , nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was OUR pains he was carrying, our disfigurements all the things wrong with US. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was out sins that did that to him. that ripped and tore and crushed him, our sins!…..”
Whoa. Talk about a perspective check.
And suddenly, I couldn’t make right in my head what I had felt for my whole life I was ” Called To” -
Standing on a stage, in fancy clothes, while pre-teen girls wanted to be like me, dancing around and smiling, not even thinking about Jesus because I was too preoccupied with singing the right parts, and looking the right way…making the show happen to keep people coming back..Conjuring up the Spirit of God and emotionally manipulating them to make me their favorite worship leader…. Rubbish. It’s ALL rubbish before his throne. Every last single bit of it. trash.
Repentance. A true desire to change.
To leave behind the mental conclusions that what our western culture has deemed as acceptable, maybe, just maybe in light of the King…isnt?
I’m not saying that the stage in itself is bad. I’m not saying that the western culture is bad. I’m not saying that dressing fancy is bad. I’m involved in all three of these…
I do wonder, however, at the depth of the heart, if we were to expose every motive and ambition, sweep out the dark corners and open wide the closed doors of our lives, would modern day worship , and the modern day celebrity worship leader look ANYTHING like the Lord wanted his worship to look like in the first place?
I’ve heard more interpretations of the verse ” The time is now coming…. when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth” …..
I’ve heard people say that if you are not worshiping in technical excellence, that you are not worshiping in ” truth’ – I’ve heard it said, if you are not worshiping honestly you are not worshiping in truth. I’ve heard many things…and I would say this…
If your offering of worship before the Lord comes from a pure heart and clean hands- regardless of what it looks like, sounds like- no one- NO ONE can tell you that it isn’t good enough.
The fear of the Lord is missing in most worship settings. Why is it that the modern day worship leader thinks that what they do and how they do it has ANY control over when the spirit of God comes or doesn’t come?
And I wonder if what we call the ” spirit of God” the Lord would consider to be part of Amos 5:20-24….
( message version)…again…
” I want nothing to do with your religious slogans and goals, your public relations and image-making. I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music : When was the last time you sang to me? ”
Fear and reverence of the Lord-knowing at the depth of who He is- is for us. How could we not worship?
To my friends, the ones I actually know, have never met, and my mother who will inevitably read this…
I ask you to bear with me, because I need to share some things…
I should most definitely be asleep right now. In 7 hours, I will be on my way with the team to lead worship at a Southern Baptist Church in another city. Well, I think It’s still southern baptist, last time I was there it was. All I know is that we have to dress up, and the sun is rising sooner than I would like it to.
I’ve been thinking a lot about worship over the last 2 months. A lot about Kingdom. A lot about Jesus.
I don’t write this as a positioning piece, nor do I pen as a 95 thesis type of declaration. I’m going to blog a bit… and in so doing, hope to level with the truth… and end up on the side of the Lord…
I merely write because the idea of Kingdom burns so deep within me that I can’t not write. I have recently been asked a lot of questions about worship and my thoughts and beliefs..and, not that my position means any more in the kingdom than the beggar in Malawi, I humbly submit to you my story….
When I was a freshman in college, I got cut from a Music Ministries audition. I was crushed. In my extremely small self enveloped expanse of worldview, my life was over. I was hurt, I was angry…and I wanted answers. That ( as small as it might sound) started the most amazing journey. I remember when I sat on the stage of Christ Chapel at 18 and wept and asked the Lord to show me himself, because I realized the weight of the self-worship and idolatry I had engaged in in the name of ” contemporary worship”. I said the name Darlene more times than I said the name of Jesus, and I had entirely too many long coats and high heels in my closet and a perfected Australian accent to boot. ( insert as many jokes here as you would like about how many hillsong songs we do in chapel…go ahead…)
And I remember the day that my journal read the following:
“Ah, so this is what humbled feels like. Weird, I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this, and that might be a really bad thing. I don’t care if I ever set foot on that stage again. I wouldn’t dream of trading in knowing You for standing on a stage. I want to know You. I want to fear you, and truly understand repentance and grace”
and I meant it.
With all the will and fear of the Lord that I could muster. I meant it.
And He meant it when He said
: Love the Lord Your God with all your heart mind soul and strength”
He also meant it when he said
: Thou shalt have no other gods before me”
And the two thoughts were perspectives to connect…
And so i sought. And I found.
Jesus.
Except, it wasn’t Jesus Christ Super-star that I found. He didn’t have a tour bus, or a record lable. He wasn’t sitting on the front row of the GMA’s. And he didn’t feel proud of himself when more hands in the building were raised than not during a power bridge of a song.
It was Isaiah 53 Jesus that I found.
( message version )
” There was nothing attractive about him , nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was OUR pains he was carrying, our disfigurements all the things wrong with US. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was out sins that did that to him. that ripped and tore and crushed him, our sins!…..”
Whoa. Talk about a perspective check.
And suddenly, I couldn’t make right in my head what I had felt for my whole life I was ” Called To” -
Standing on a stage, in fancy clothes, while pre-teen girls wanted to be like me, dancing around and smiling, not even thinking about Jesus because I was too preoccupied with singing the right parts, and looking the right way…making the show happen to keep people coming back..Conjuring up the Spirit of God and emotionally manipulating them to make me their favorite worship leader…. Rubbish. It’s ALL rubbish before his throne. Every last single bit of it. trash.
Repentance. A true desire to change.
To leave behind the mental conclusions that what our western culture has deemed as acceptable, maybe, just maybe in light of the King…isnt?
I’m not saying that the stage in itself is bad. I’m not saying that the western culture is bad. I’m not saying that dressing fancy is bad. I’m involved in all three of these…
I do wonder, however, at the depth of the heart, if we were to expose every motive and ambition, sweep out the dark corners and open wide the closed doors of our lives, would modern day worship , and the modern day celebrity worship leader look ANYTHING like the Lord wanted his worship to look like in the first place?
I’ve heard more interpretations of the verse ” The time is now coming…. when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth” …..
I’ve heard people say that if you are not worshiping in technical excellence, that you are not worshiping in ” truth’ – I’ve heard it said, if you are not worshiping honestly you are not worshiping in truth. I’ve heard many things…and I would say this…
If your offering of worship before the Lord comes from a pure heart and clean hands- regardless of what it looks like, sounds like- no one- NO ONE can tell you that it isn’t good enough.
The fear of the Lord is missing in most worship settings. Why is it that the modern day worship leader thinks that what they do and how they do it has ANY control over when the spirit of God comes or doesn’t come?
And I wonder if what we call the ” spirit of God” the Lord would consider to be part of Amos 5:20-24….
( message version)…again…
” I want nothing to do with your religious slogans and goals, your public relations and image-making. I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music : When was the last time you sang to me? ”
Fear and reverence of the Lord-knowing at the depth of who He is- is for us. How could we not worship?
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